Overview:
Developing and teaching empathy to our youth can have positive outcomes that can affect generations.
I recently had an encounter with other parents where it was difficult for some to understand what it’s like to parent a child with special needs. I realized we often receive sympathy, when we really need empathy — a moment of someone else’s time to understand our emotions, viewpoints or experiences. But, empathy can be difficult to learn for any person. When it is achieved, the benefits are overwhelmingly positive..
Tawnie Putignano — a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks who specializes in
relationships, anxiety, and family counseling — explains the true meaning of empathy, the benefits of empathy and how to teach our children empathy in this Q&A. Putignano is also the proud mother to four children.
What is empathy?
Empathy is described as the ability to understand and connect to another person’s feelings and emotional responses. It is the ability to mentally and emotionally place ourselves in that person’s situation and share their feelings and experiences.
Why is empathy difficult to learn?
There are many reasons why it may be challenging to learn and practice empathy. Some reasons may be that due to our own traumas and hurt, we feel overburdened, stressed, or anxious when we are listening to someone share their pain with us, and we end up blocking out their story and thus their feelings and thoughts. Another reason may be that we did not grow up with anyone who taught us what empathy was. We didn’t have role models that showed us how to be empathetic. Developing empathy also takes time. It takes time and effort to truly listen and put conscious effort into what you are hearing and experiencing. When we rush into a “quick fix it” attitude, we often overlook the most important part of being empathetic: Taking the time to listen and connect.
How have you seen relationships improve when empathy is offered?
In my practice, I have witnessed clients truly transform their attitudes and be able to move toward forgiving someone who has hurt them by practicing an empathetic stance towards the person they have felt wronged by. This does not mean that the clients are excusing that person’s behavior, but it does help to alleviate some of the anger, bitterness, and hurt when clients are able to imagine what challenges the other person may have been going through at the time. In couples work, I have seen feuding spouses quickly move from resentment and anger to having a problem-solving attitude when empathy is introduced, allowing for understanding and acceptance. I have seen empathy open doors and hearts that have been closed for a very long time.
Multiple studies show there are personal benefits to offering empathy as well. What are those benefits?
Studies have shown that empathy can lead to lower levels of depression and anxiety by helping us to feel connected to others. Other benefits of having empathy include helping you to be a better leader and colleague in the workplace by promoting a more positive environment and building connections. Empathy can enhance your communication skills and improve your personal relationships, and help you to resolve conflict by being able to recognize and explain differing points of view.
How can we teach our children empathy?
The best way to teach your children empathy is to practice it yourself. Purposely provide your children with opportunities to see you being empathetic toward others. Allow them to see you show kindness to someone who has hurt you or someone with whom you disagree with. Or perhaps model empathetic behavior by helping someone carry heavy groceries or giving up your seat for someone who might need it more.
For teaching empathy to elementary-aged children, you can talk with them about sharing with others. Ask your child how they would feel if they were the only child in the classroom without a friend to sit with at lunch or the only child to not have a playmate during recess. Encourage them to invite these children to join their table at lunch or to play with them at recess.
For children in the tween stages, an example can be refusing to spread gossip about others. Ask your child to imagine someone saying unkind things behind their back and then ask them to imagine how that might feel. Then, encourage your tween to speak up when they hear any gossip and remind others how hurtful gossip can be.
For teenagers, I would suggest that parents encourage their teens to reach out to other teens at school that they suspect might be bullied, the ones who keep to themselves and are often alone. I would encourage the teens to imagine what it might be like to feel like you don’t fit in, are not wanted, and to feel lost in a crowd of cliques and groups that don’t include you. I would encourage parents to have open dialogues with their teens about the reality that not every child comes from a good supportive home, and perhaps how being at school may be the only place where this child is not being neglected or abused. How wonderful would it be for all our children to feel like they belonged and were accepted and loved wherever they were? For every child to have an opportunity to simply belong? Developing and teaching empathy to our youth can have positive outcomes that can affect generations.
Final thoughts
Being empathetic does not mean that you are accepting or agreeing with someone else’s feelings and thoughts. It means that you are able to place yourself in that person’s situation to help you understand why they feel the way they do and how those thoughts and feelings affect their behavior and actions. When practicing empathy, be careful to avoid burnout and feeling overwhelmed by setting good personal boundaries. Having empathy is an important skill that we should all strive to achieve and one that can truly help make this world we all share even more beautiful.
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San Diego Moms is published on Saturdays. Have a story idea? Email hoaq@timesofsandiego.com and follow her on Instagram at @hoawritessd.