It’s been more than 20 years since Diane Nares lost her son, Emilio, to leukemia. Still, Nares has a story to tell and she hopes her book will help other parents — and all people — coping with a death.
Nares is the author of “His Place at the Table,” a book that candidly shares the emotions she felt after finding out her son was diagnosed with cancer at 3, then when he later died. The author, who also co-founded the Emilio Nares Foundation, talks about her son and the book in this Q&A.
Tell me about Emilio and some of your best memories as his mother.
From the first moment I laid eyes on my son Emilio, my heart was no longer my own. I was transformed and immediately head over heels in love with him.
Even as an infant he was sweet and soft, yet strong willed and tenacious. The adage “the eyes are the window to the soul” held true when describing Emilio’s deep, dark brown eyes. I often felt that I was in the presence of a wise, old soul in a baby’s body. He was generous and sensitive.
At two years old, he was always observant of his surroundings. We spent hours on end in our garden and backyard play area. “Mommy”, he would say, “why is the sky so blue today and why is our tomato plant taking so long to make tomatoes?” He loved to paint, draw, and work with tools. One of my favorite memories is when he would climb up on his little red stepping-stool, settle in with me at the stove, and would help me prepare dinner. My eyes still fill with tears as I remember the joy I felt when Emilio would order for me in the French café near our home. “Please bring me a hot chocolate”, he would firmly, but sweetly say to our server, “and my mom will have a cappuccino with her croissant”. He giggled every time he successfully spoke the word, “croissant”.
Tell me about the day you found out about his cancer diagnosis.
The pediatric oncologist paused for a moment as he gazed deeply into our eyes. “I’m sorry to tell you this Mr. and Mrs. Nares, but Emilio’s blood tests confirm that he has leukemia.” In an instant I found myself not only unable to move but unable to speak. I could not find the language to express my pain. As I attempted to stand up from my chair, I fell to my knees screaming my son’s name. My body gradually slipped into a tidepool of grief and a feeling of complete and utter sadness stayed with me that day and the many days that followed.
How did you learn to cope with the loss of your son?
Learning to cope with the loss of my son was and is a continual work in progress. Grief never really goes away but it lays dormant within, buried somewhere for long periods of time which allows me to function in my daily life. Work, home, friends and social commitments one day became possible again. Eventually I became aware that the ratio of grief vs. joy was beginning to shift. In time, joy found its way back into my life. Faith, community, service to others, and love returned to being significant parts of my daily routine.
You wrote this book 20 years after Emilio passed away. What did you learn about mourning and loss in the last 20 years?
I always wanted to write about Emilio. I wanted the world to know how special he was. My memories of him remained solid in my mind and 20 years after I lost him, I retired from my career and finally had the time to sit quietly and remember all that I wanted to say. The ultimate healing tool for my husband Richard and myself, was the creation of the Emilio Nares Foundation. We knew that there were many needs in the community that parents with children in cancer treatment were experiencing, primarily transportation. Standing alongside families who are deep into one of the most horrendous journeys imaginable is something that we know intimately, and that the two of us knew we would re-enter one day.
You share a lot about the challenges you faced in the last 20 years. Is there anything that you are still learning to overcome?
The past 20 years have taught us many lessons. Our marriage has always been strong and supportive. We made every decision together on this journey of recovery and we respect one another as we balance grief and joy, and always, hope.
What do you hope parents get out of our book?
I hope that parents who are on the road to recovery from the loss of a child will view my book as a safe place to embrace their grief, and watch it morph into moments of hope, survivorship, and the will to live again.
I hope that bereaved parents will delve deep into the love that surrounds them, their faith, their support systems, and the knowingness that they will return to their child in another realm one day.
How does your story help parents who may not have lost a child?
I hope that not only all parents, but all people will open themselves up to speaking about grief, and that they will not run away from the hard discussions about loss, for everyone will experience it at some time or another.
For more information about Diane Nares and her book, go to dianenares.com.
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San Diego Moms is published on Saturdays. Have a story idea? Email hoaq@timesofsandiego.com and follow her on Instagram at @hoawritessd.